Council workers.

Michael and Patrick (names changed to protect their nationality), got jobs with the Isle of Wight council painting the white lines down the centre of roads. Their boss was impressed that they managed 4 miles (6.4km) on their first day.

They managed 3 miles (4.8km) on the second and 2 miles (3.2km) on the third day. The boss interviewed them on their fourth day to ask why they had slowed down, Michael pointed out that it was getting further and further to walk back to the paint pot.

Steve on BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT.

Did Steve really believe that Her Majesty would find his Drag act/ball juggling whilst shopping at Tesco

that entertaining???

Our "road signs" ~ new ones due this summer!!!

GENUINE NEWSPAPER HEADLINES.

University drop outs cut in half.

Stolen painting found by tree.

Actors' Union finds dwarfs in short supply.

Kids make nutritious snacks.

Arson suspect held in forest fire.

Red tape holds up new bridge.

Two sisters re-united after 18 years at check out counter.

Crash probe told "Plane was too close to the ground."

Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents.

Brown wins on budget, but more lies ahead.

Montgomery flies back to front.

Asians settle in well.

Fred Astaire.

Fred was out for a meal with Ginger Rogers at a posh restaurant, the waiter brought the sweet trolley but slipped and some dishes flew over Fred. He said "I've puddin' on my top hat, puddin' on my white tie and puddin' on my tails."

Swine 'flu.

I 'phoned the Swine 'flu help-line, all I got was a lot of crackling.