Let's have some poetry.

On the chest of a bar maid named Gail,

Were tattooed the prices of ale,

And on her behind,

For the sake of the blind,

Were the same, but written in Braille.

Two men went hunting in Canada, they were walking along a mountain pass and when they saw the sign BEAR LEFT they decided to go home.

Charity.

I was shopping in Newport the other day and a woman with a clip board stopped me, "Can you spare a few minutes for Cancer Research?" she said. I answered "Yes, but I don't think we'll get a lot done!"

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I answered a knock on the front door yesterday, a woman was there and she said she was collecting for The Old Age Pensioners' home, so I gave her my mother in law.

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Bob Geldolf was at one of those concerts for Africa. He started a slow hand clap and said "Every time I clap, a small child in Africa dies". Someone in the audience shouted out "Stop clapping then!"

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Books.

I've just finished another book, this one's about Germans hating arithmetic, its title "The Hun dreads Tens and Units".

There's a new book just come out "The History of Glue", I can't put it down.

Apparently, the latest dictionaries don't have the word GULLIBLE in them!

I think my nephew's new girlfriend is half French ~ she shaves one armpit.

I went in the pub and asked the barman for something long, cold and half full of whiskey, he introduced me to his wife!

The one and only ~ MURRAY WALKER.

This would be Senna's third win in a row had he won the other two.

Into lap 53, the penultimate last lap but one.

And now excuse me while I interrupt myself.

Tambay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolute zero now.

I've just stopped my start-watch.

There's nothing wrong with Hill's car, except that it's on fire.

Do my eyes deceive me, or is Mansell's car sounding rough?

If that isn't a lap record, I'll eat my hat which I don't normally wear.

And after lap 55 we will have 56, 57 and then 58.

Bring back David Coleman.

David was guilty of a few verbal bloomers in his time:

A fascinating duel between the three men.

A truly international field, with no Britons competing.

There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell rings.

He is even smaller in real life than he is on the track.

And there's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old who turned 20 last week.

It's not fair!

I liked the story of the Nottingham Panthers ice hockey team, their organist was sacked after playing "Send in The Clowns" or "Three Blind Mice" whenever the match officials took to the ice!

Local pub.

I went into The Wheatsheaf the other day and Vincent Van Gogh was there, I said "Vinny, do you want a pint?". He responded, "No thanks, I've got one 'ere."

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On April 23rd, a chap went in dressed as William Shakespeare, the landlord shouted out "You're barred"

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A polar bear came in and asked for a "Gin and................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................tonic. The barman said "Why the big pause?" The bear said "I was born with them."

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Hair cuts.

People who know me are aware that my hair isn't as long as it was in 1976, I phoned for a hair cut, explaining that I was a bit scruffy and in need of a trim, but that there were a few bald patches. I was surprised to find that my haircut was to cost 50p, unfortunately, the barber decided to add a £9.50 search fee as well.

Personalised car registrations.

I've always fancied a personalised registration plate but the DVLC website shows that they can be very expensive e.g

AWA 11 Y is £4000.

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MU 51 CAL abt £10000.

I have decided that it is cheaper to change my name to

HW 54 ASV.

Footballers ~ not that bright, are they?

Liverpool will be without Kvarme tonight, he's illegible. Jimmy Armfield

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Talk about slow!! I've seen milk turn quicker! Roy Hodgson.

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The action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was. Ron Atkinson.

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Norwich's goal was scored by Kevin Bond, who is the son of his father. Frank Bough.

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Our fans have been branded with the same brush. Ron Atkinson.

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I spent a lot on booze, women and fast cars ~ the rest I squandered. George Best.

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I never comment on refs. and I am not changing the habit of a life time for that prat. Ron Atkinson

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My parents have always been there for me - every since the age of seven. David Beckham.

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Michael Owen, he has the legs of a salmon. Craig Brown.

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Paul Scholes is the complete midfielder, there's not a weakness he hasn't got. Steve Bruce.

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The beauty of cup football is that Jack always has a chance of beating Goliath. Terry Butcher.

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On this FA Cup Final day at Wembley, there are just two teams left. David Coleman.

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With just 4 minutes gone, the score is already nil-nil. Ian Darke.

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Thieves broke into Manchester City's trophy room, police are looking for two men with a pale blue carpet. Me!

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They'll be home before the post-cards. Tommy Docherty on Scotland's World Cup chances.

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The Bristol City manager wanted to sign Hertz Van Rental ~ he thought he was a Dutch international. Me!

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Retirement? You're joking ~ especially as the alternative is staying home all day with my wife! Alex Ferguson.

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...and Southampton have an uphill mountain to climb. John Hardy.

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We are coming to the end of the game and the referee is looking at his whistle. John Helm.

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Paul Gascoigne said this...

"I'm jealous of my sister, she has two brothers and I've only got one."

STROLLERS' help for the credit crunch.

DON'T THINK OF BUYING ONE OF THOSE EXPENSIVE I-PODS ~ Just think of a song you like ~ and hum it! You want to change tracks ~ think of another favourite and hum that. Or how about whistling ~ let's bring back the art of whistling those catchy tunes.

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SAVE INK by writing smaller.

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DON'T BUY BINOCULARS just stand closer to the object you are observing.

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SAVE PETROL put your seat belt on before you start the engine.

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DON'T BUY AN ADDRESS BOOK ~ get the telephone directory and simply cross out the people you do not know.

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WHEN BUYING ORANGES, BANANAS and POTATOES FROM THE SUPERMARKET just peel them before taking them to be weighed.

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LIKE MINTS? PUT BLOBS OF TOOTHPASTE ON THE WINDOW LEDGE, THEY WILL HARDEN AND HEY PRESTO - TASTY MINT SWEETS.

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Teachers versus Pupils ~ who always wins?

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America. That's right, well done.
Now children, who discovered North America?
Pupils: Maria did.
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Teacher: Glen ~ how do you spell crocodile?
Glen: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: That's incorrect.
Glen: But you asked how I spell crocodile.
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Teacher: What's the chemical formula for water?
Wayne: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O
Teacher: Sorry, incorrect.
Wayne: But you told us yesterday it was H to O!
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Teacher: George Washington admitted chopping down his father's cherry tree.
Why didn't his father punish George?
Hilary: Because George still had the axe.
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Teacher: Darren, you can't just get up and walk out of the class.
Darren: You told us to leave room for the diagram!

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