THE HUMOUR WE NEED

REDUCE YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT by 50%

HOW?

HOP EVERYWHERE!

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WARNING~WARNING~WARNING.

Do not bother with COMPUTER DATING.

I ticked the boxes:

Really cute. Yes

Likes socialising. Yes

Keen on water sports. Yes

Enjoys fish suppers. Yes

I was sent on a date with

a penguin!!!

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HOW DO YOU MAKE HOLY WATER?

Boil the hell out of it.

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My wife had a problem logging onto her new lap top so she asked me for help. "What's your password?" I asked,

MickeyMouseDonaldDuckBlutoSnowWhitePopeyeOliveOyl she answered. "That's too long" I said. "The book says the password should be at least 6 characters" she responded.

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DO NOT SAY 288!

It's just two gross.

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Lawyer: Can you describe the man who punched you?

Man: That's what I was doing when he punched me.

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TEACHER: Where is Hadrian's wall?

PUPIL: In his back garden.

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My new girl friend has a map of the UK tattooed all over her back~

it's not pretty but at least you know where you are with her.

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I reckon Miss Universe is fixed ~ it's always

someone from earth that wins.

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CAESAR: I have returned from my campaign over the Alps,

I have killed 20,000 enemies of the Roman Empire.

BRUTUS: You only killed 10,000

CAESAR: You forget, away Gauls count double in Europe.

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When I was little we had a step ladder ~ I never knew my

real ladder.

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FED UP WHEN YOUR COMPUTER BEATS YOU AT CHESS?

CHALLENGE IT TO KICK BOXING.

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Thanks to Spike Milligan:

"Spike, how long were you in the army?"

5 foot eleven.

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"Spike, I hear you are from London, which part?"

"All of me."

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Spike's quote "I'm glad Harry (Secombe) died before me, I'd hate to think of him singing at my funeral."

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Doctor, doctor, my eyesight's getting worse!

You're right ~ this is the butcher's.

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DID YOU KNOW?

Turtle wax is so expensive because turtles have small ears.

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TEACHER: Can you spell weather?

PUPIL: W...E...V...V...A

TEACHER: That's the worst spell of weather we've had for ages.

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TEACHER: You copied Gemma in the exam.

PUPIL: No I didn't.

TEACHER: Gemma put 27, so did you. Gemma put 1444 so did you,

Gemma put DON'T KNOW ~ you wrote "neither do I"

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I would like to die peacefully in my sleep,

just like my grand dad,

not screaming and yelling like his passengers.

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Do you know "BROKEN ALARM CLOCK BLUES?"

It starts "WOKE UP THIS AFTERNOON"

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MY DOG CHASES ANYTHING ON A BIKE.

Are you having him put down?

NO, I'VE TAKEN THE BIKE OFF HIM.

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My wife's on two diets, she can't get enough food on one.

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Yesterday, I helped clean out the attic with my wife.

Dirty, smelly and covered in cobwebs,

but she's great with the kids.

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DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE FRENCH CONJOINED TWINS?

THEY'VE COME TO ENGLAND SO THE OTHER ONE CAN LEARN TO DRIVE.

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Name a fish beginning with K

KILMARNOCK.

KILMARNOCK'S NOT A FISH.

YES IT IS, IT'S A PLACE.

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